Jester/Stories
Alk and Light take on a new job as ranch hands. But soon they learn that Jester, the head cattleman, would rather be building traps over herding bovine any day.
Alk: Hey, anyone home? We're here on a quest from the Guild. Looking for someone named Jester!
Jester: Howdy. I've been waiting, gentlemen!
Jester: Much thanks for accepting the job. Allow me to show you home sweet ranch.
Light: Before we begin... The contract offered danger money. What risks will we be facing?
Jester: Oh, don't you worry about that. Just some insurance policy to make sure none of y'all would have a case against me in court! Haha.
Jester: And that concludes our tour of the ranch. Now, I was going to start you two off tending the cattle, but do you have any questions?
Alk: Nope. We got it. We're going to make these cows feel like royalty.
Jester: Heh. Sounds like an eager little mouse came scurrying into my trap.
Light: Trap? Then that explosion was your doing.
Jester: Sure was! I design and rig my own snares. Got to give even unwelcome guests a hearty welcome.
Jester: Come on. I'll show you!
Alk: Whoa... That's awesome!
Jester: Unless you can skin a monster with your eyes, I suggest you stop staring and pick up a knife. These pelts are mighty useful.
Light: So the snares not only protect the ranch, they are a way to harvest materials. A clever design.
Jester: Of course it is! I am a rancher by day and a world-class trapper, also by day.
Alk: All right! Let's get down to business then. Lemme just drop my bag over here...
Alk: Phew... Hey, Jester, what do you think? Did I get everything?
Jester: Yeah, looks good to me. You're pretty handy with a knife, eh? I wouldn't mind contracting you just to help me carve up animals.
Alk: Oh. Well, I mean, this is just like meal prep...
Jester: Heh-heh. Oh, you poor monster with no brain. It ain't possible to slip past MY nets.
Alk: Whoa...
Alk: Oh crap... My lunchboxes!
Jester: Lured them with food, did you? You don't only have deft fingers, you got a quick brain too.
Jester: I know! Why don't I take you in as permanent hands? Teach you all the finer points of trap-making!
Light: It seems we've gained an eccentric ally...
Alk: *sniff* My food...
With Alk and Light tending cattle, Jester's become a full-time trapper. When he takes the boys out to see some of his prize creations, they find out that his biggest game is runaway criminals.
Alk: Hey, Jester. Same chores as always?
Jester: You got it. I'll be tinkering with my traps in the usual place. If you need anything, just holler.
Alk: You sure spend a lot of time on those traps.
Alk: Maybe if you spent half that time ranching, you wouldn't have needed to hire extra help.
Jester: Tsk tsk. Oh Alk, how could you be so blind? Don't you see—without the traps, the cattle are vulnerable to all sorts of danger! I am only doing my job!
Jester: Plus, with you two around, this ranch has been running as smooth as butter on a bald monkey.
Jester: Light looks after the cattle, you do the cleaning and carving, and I design the snares!
Jester: Heh-heh-heh. You couldn't find a more efficient party, not if you crawled all the dungeons in the world!
Light: From champion to cow herder...
Jester: All right! Now enough jaw-flapping! I think we'll take a little detour into the forest before work today. Got a trap there that needs maintaining.
Adventurer: Heeey! Let me down from here!
Jester: Well, look at that. One fool of a criminal, trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey.
Alk: Oof... I feel kind of bad for him.
Light: I thought these traps were for monsters.
Jester: Well, truth is, I've got another contract going with the Guild.
Jester: Lots of criminals try to escape into these woods, after blowing it in Palpebra. And most of them get caught in my traps.
Jester: When I told the Guild, they looked about ready to break out in a jig. Showered me with money. Since then, we've had this give-and-take relationship.
Jester: I give them the wrongdoers, and take the bounty. It's how I've been funding my snare enterprise, by the way.
Alk: Well, that explains why you prefer trap-making to cow-sitting.
Jester: Heh. Oh yes, the money's good. But the mental exercise—that's the real prize. Designing those snares makes me feel alive!
Alk: Cool. So, we heading to the Guild now?
Jester: Why would we be?
Light: ...To turn in the criminal.
Jester: Oh. Well, there's no rush there, gentlemen.
Jester: It ain't every day you snag such a lively specimen. Got a few traps I'd like to try out on him.
Alk: No! What if he gets hurt? Save it for the monsters!
Jester: Come on, Alk. This fine man has broken the law! Surely we don't need to feel bad for giving him a few scrapes and bruises.
Alk: *sigh* Whatever. I'm going to the Guild, Jester, whether you like it or not!
Jester: I wouldn't go wandering alone in these woods if I were you. Not unless you're itching to be snapped up by my snares.
Alk: Gee... Sure would've been nice if you told us BEFORE leading us into the jaws of death.
Light: This pit goes deep...
Jester: Oh yeah. Wanted to take precautions. Had a few rats that managed to scrabble their way out of a previous design.
Light: Could innocent people get trapped down there?
Jester: ...Mm... Perhaps. I never gave it much thought. Hey, Alk. Think you could lower yourself in there and make sure it's empty?
Alk: Why don't you do it YOURSELF?!